Swine flu. Run for my life!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
