I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
