You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
