she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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