Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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