chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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