Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
