Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
