All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
should my penis look like a turkey
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
