Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize