it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
