I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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