My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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