I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Even my vagina gasped.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
