god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
