god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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