Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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