wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
