No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
