all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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