When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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