some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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