when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
