Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
