Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My cat gives me a boner
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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