my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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