We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize