Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
