FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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