Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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