70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
