Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
