I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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