If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize