You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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