god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
