Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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