Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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