I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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