Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
