THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
