It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
