Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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