you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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