i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
