I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
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I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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