if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
