i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
