He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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