Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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