Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
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It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize