The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
