Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
