Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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