dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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