She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
