Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
