his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Randomize
