Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
