Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
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We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize